Paddling With The Father In Law

Paddling with the Father in Law

Since I’ve lived in the St. Louis area most of my life, I’ve always been fascinated by the Lewis and Clark expedition. We even have this little thing called the Gateway Arch commemorating the trip. It’s kind of a big deal, I’m told. Well, the Arch is just one part of the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial which included a museum, some movies, and a few other things. (I say “included” because they are in the process of renovating and I assume that is all changed. Probably virtual reality and Pokemons. By the way, I think there’s some teenagers on my lawn, I’ll be right back). I always enjoyed the museum much more than the view from the top of the Arch. I mean it's alright and everything. Like you go up this elevator that is super cramped and kind of looks like a futuristic bathroom. You get to the top, look out tiny windows, sometimes it sways. That’s about it. Then you get back in the Futurama bathroom elevator and slowly head back down. If you do go, I recommend a group of 5. If you do not have a group of 5, you will be required to ride up the Arch with strangers. I am sure those strangers will be nice enough, but they will stink and it will not be comfortable for anyone. However, if there is not a stink. Then you and your group stink and no one wants to face that truth in public. You can thank me later for this helpful tip. So if you’re in town, with at least 4 other friends and/or family, I suggest you check it out.

Even as a kid, I was fascinated by the museum as it covered the expedition as well as daily lives of the Native Americans and early settlers of the Louisiana Purchase. I’ve always liked history from the perspective a regular guy. We all know about the military leaders, politicians, and rich folk. I’ve come to terms that I’m not one of those people and I probably wouldn’t be one, no matter what time period I lived in. And, frankly, I probably wouldn’t like them anyway. Stupid rich folks, with their noses in the air and fancy shoes and cars that don’t break down.

Additionally, my grade school took two field trips to the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in 5th and 6th grade. I was selected to dress up like the mountain man both years. Feelings were hurt. Not mine, but I did hear some comments. I should have declined the second time, but I didn’t then and I wouldn’t now. You may call this selfish, I call this two year dominance and an undefeated record.

Since it should pretty obvious I’m attracted to life outdoors, it was natural to be attracted to that kind of museum. I don’t know if that sparked the obsession or if the obsession was there and stuff like that served to stoke the fire. Guess it’s a chicken and egg argument (even though I think the sciency types have even figured that one out now).

When my wife and I were still dating, I found out that she had actually worked at the Arch and my father in law was fascinated with the Lewis and Clark expedition as well. Due to my wife’s lofty position, he had the opportunity to read the explorers’ personal journals and actually did it. This is no easy task. For example, William Clark was not known for his skill with quill and parchment - he never spelled mosquito the same way twice resulting in something like 19 different spellings. Actually, not something like, here they are:

mesquestors, misquestors, misquitor, misquitoes, misquitors, misqutors, misqutr, missquetors, mosquiters, mosquitors, mosquitos, muskeetor, musqueters, musquetors, musquiters, musquitoes, musquitors, musqueters, and musqutors.

Makes one appreciate something as simple as a dictionary. It’s the little things in life. Also, my wife’s job was not all that lofty, I’m told.

So my father in law, Bertrand (names were changed to protect the innocent) was several legs up on me on this subject and was so inspired by the journey, he purchased a canoe to create his own explorations.  So the canoe was purchased back in 2005 or so. And if you will notice, the trip took place in 2016, so there was lots of talk, many moves, children, grandchildren, and every other reason it took a decade for this to happen.

Luckily it did, as I was granted some time to catch up on Meriwether Lewis and William Clark.

Pretty much every city, municipality, county, town, street, old timey shop, and about every other thing in and around St. Louis claims some sort of connection to the journey. Many consider themselves the the jumping off point for the expedition. I’ve seen this same thing in several towns and cities where historical events happened and just imagine the arguments that ensue at the City Council meetings. “No this event that happened 200 actually started where my restaurant still stands” says one. “Nuh, uh this actually started where my restaurant now stands” till eventually the only place that can legitimately claim the event is wherever the participants great, great, great, great, great grandparents were born.

What I’m saying is, you really can’t go anywhere without some connection to it.

Plus these signs are on just about every road and one would think they wore themselves out early in the process by riding around with no real direction. Many times when Clark is pointing in any direction but West, I’ll yell at the sign, “wrong way, Clark”. I’ve done this for a long time and am easily entertained. I do have to come clean, I never really check if Clark is pointing west or not. That feels better.

Here’s your sign...

On my daughter’s Spring Breaks, we’ve always gone to several different L&C museums and sites around the area. I think she likes Lewis and Clark about as much as I do, but I know she likes the spyglass (now lost) and the wood carved eagle pen (once lost, now found) that she’s gotten over the course of our journeys. There really is a ton of cool locations - everything from working reproductions of their boats and a camp with real buildings they used.

Here’s our sign…

Anyway, I finally got around to reading Undaunted Courage by Stephen Ambrose. Despite the alleged plagiarism, this is a good read for anyone interested in the expedition and offers a great insight into the early United States on several levels. I guess I always pictured the expedition as two men up against great odds and no additional human contact during the course of the two year trip. This was not the case as Lewis and Clark assembled a team and met with many Native American tribes along the way. In some cases, becoming very familiar with the natives. One of their main goals was to offer trinkets and wares to the different tribes as introductory gifts from their new Great Father, Thomas Jefferson. Also, Mammoths. Old TJ thought the frontier was just lousy with Mammoths-3x the size of elephants along with 10 foot tall lions. And Jefferson wanted proof. Early Americans, right?

Another interesting fact about the trip was malaria. It was a real danger just outside of civilization and possibly contributed to Lewis’ eventual and much too early demise. It is hard to imagine contracting malaria anywhere in the United States, much less in the upper Midwest. So now we’re all grateful for dictionaries, medical advancement, and public works projects. (on another note, do not name your child Meriwether Lewis insert last name. William Clark named a son after his partner and that son also died unfortunately after basically inventing the Kentucky Derby. I guess doing great, memorable things then dying tragically isn't all that bad, but I’m not going to risk it)

I would say I know a little bit about Lewis and Clark and, all told,  that knowledge did not help my canoeing skills in the least. So again, I’ve gone off course. Thank goodness, we’ll be hitting the Meramec River which is almost impossible to go off course.

Now, I can only assume that you think this is turning into some sort of buddy comedy where two mismatched partners are forced together and comedy ensues. As it turns out, this was nothing like Lethal Weapon, Lethal Weapon 2, Lethal Weapon 3, Lethal Weapon 4, Shanghai Noon, 48 hours, Rush Hour, Tango and Cash, Bad Boys, Midnight Run, Another 48 hrs, Bad Boys II, Men in Black, Men in Black 2, Men in Black 3, Hot Fuzz, Beverly Hills Cop, Beverly Hills Cop 2, Beverly Hills Cop 3 etc. (there are a lot of these types of movies and I’ve grown weary of this “joke”). And, as always, all my two man trips are much more like Point Break (the original, not the perversion they released last year we will never speak of again). Unfortunately, I am more like the Gary Busey character than either Keanu Reeves or Patrick Swayze.

So, I probably hadn’t been on a canoe in 15 years or so and wasn’t all that good to begin with, but at least I’d never flipped one. Most of my floats involved one of those rafts that require no skill because I was floating for reasons other than enjoyment of the outdoors. So we finally set a date and with the unseasonably warm fall, the outlook was good. I was getting a little nervous since I am  pretty knowledgable about the outdoors, but not so great on the water. I love streams and rivers, but prefer wading. In my mind, boats are just something else to worry about and maintain, taking away time from fishing. Really, I just haven’t had the means or will to learn more. So it’s all stems from a lack of confidence and not wanting to look like an idiot. Especially to those who know me, you would think the fear of looking like an idiot wouldn’t bother me so much. Weirdly, not the case.

So we loaded up the canoe on top of Bertrand’s Toyota Avalon with like 2 million miles on it. I followed behind in my truck and headed to the put in on the Meramec. Interesting note, on the way we saw a full blown police chase. A black Charger was flying down the highway at what had to be about 100 mph. I didn't even see it till it was on my left and cut in front of me by inches then wove through the rest of traffic without even tapping the brakes. Scared the bejeezus out of me. Saw the Highway Patrol flying up shortly after and just prayed they got the guy without any issue.

The put in wasn't too far from the highway and just south of Six Flags St. Louis. This is when I got to thinking about outdoor opportunity. I was maybe 25 minutes from my front door and about to paddle a couple miles on the river. It was a bit surreal. Though not as surreal as the hiking trail just north of Six Flags. You walk right by one of the larger roller coasters, seeing and hearing people scream at the top of their lungs as the train (or whatever it’s called) drops down a huge hill and goes up to a sharp turn. The smells are also pretty crazy as funnel cake and giant turkey leg carnival smells waft through the trees. It’s quite a juxtaposition against the serene valleys.

Anyway, we dropped my truck off at the finish line and headed to the put in, I was pretty sure we were going to tip at some point, so I just accepted it and checked that I brought dry clothes. Bertrand, of course, sealed that deal with the kiss of death, “well, I’ve never flipped, almost once”, he said ominously (Bertrand says pretty much everything ominously. Must just the way fathers in law talk to their sons in law. Or maybe that's how sons in law hear their fathers in law). Thanks, Bertrand, for ensuring we would flip and emboldening me with great confidence (as the sarcasm drips from my fingertips)

Bertrand gave me a quick refresher on paddling and we were off. Really, I wasn’t all that nervous about the put in or paddling. It was, and probably always will be, the landing and take out. Maybe it's from my many misadventures of docking boats at Taneycomo or maybe I just know how badly I lose focus at the finish line, either way it is just something I need to prepare for. Anyway, I didn't even bring a fishin’ pole since I really wanted to focus on relearning, but I did keep my eye out for potential spots. For the most part, I think this short trip was exactly what I needed at the time. I just kept my eyes open and enjoyed the quiet (well for the most part, Bertrand’s a bit of a talker). The Meramec is a pretty standard river, not really much to report. Though we did float by an undercut cliff that caught my fancy. The river created around a ten foot overhang to the bank through solid rock. I pondered what the rock looked like before the water started taking it apart, which led to what that rock looked like during the Civil War or when Mastadons roamed the area. Was it uneroded and pristine before the dinosaurs? Has anyone had this same thought about this particular undercut bank before?  Just a few Sunday afternoon thoughts. Probably should have taken a few pictures of that or, ya know, anything, however I was far too scared to take my phone out. The only other point of interest was this fish that swam up to check us out. It hung at the surface of the water for a beat, just before it realized we were far too big too eat. I think it was a sturgeon, but I haven't found any indication that those exist in the Meramec.

Alright, so the mileage was much shorter than I planned or my powerful paddle stroke sped us too quickly to the end. Take out was upon us. Again, I know this is my weakness and I was positive I would end up in the water. The line Bertrand took, was not the one I would take. Of course any canoeing confidence I had gained was  about to take a nosedive anyway, so i was going to go down swinging, then swimming. We were taking out at a boat launch, which isn't ideal- just no slow water to ease into the shore. We were coming in hot and  quickly narrowing the margin for error. With no water depth to paddle, I just held on. We hit hard and the back end spun downstream. The canoe jerked and I stuck my hand down to steady, reaching the bottom. I don’t know if that saved us from tipping, but I did end up with a wet arm and an untipped boat. Bertrand may have yelled at me, I may have yelled at him. Either way, we were on dry land with dry underpants. That’s my goal of every boat trip - dry land and dry drawers.

All in all a good day and once I get a manageable backpacking/canoeing/kayaking fishin’ pole, I will be hitting some of those spots I spied.

As we packed up and headed home, it again sunk in that this short little trip was a totaled about 4 hours and only 2 miles from civilization. Might as well been about a million. Who knew serenity was just off the Highway at the exit to Six Flags?

This little trip also helped me sort through an idea jammed up in my brain box, I’ll have to post more on that at another time, but here’s the gist of it.

As the OFG frequently reposts Redington’s Find Your Water series, I got to thinking that my “home” waters (or trails, or happy hunting grounds) were all pretty far away by vehicle. Travel creates an obstacle, not one like Lewis & Clark experienced, but something to think about and plan for nonetheless. Travel also is just starved for your time. I’ve always said if you travel 6 hours round trip, it should be for at least 12 hours of doing the thing you traveled for. I guess what I’m saying is, you might not be throwing streamers to salmon in the Rockies after hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, camping in Alaska and waking up in the morning to hunt Caribou, but similar activities are right outside your door. Or at least a half hour’s drive or so.

I know I tend to think like a lion when it comes to everything I do, but of course not in the super cool “king of the jungle” way. You see, a lion (and most predators) can judge whether chasing after particular prey is worth the energy they would expend to catch it. They’ve specifically evolved to do this. It makes sense, a squirrel a hundred yards away just wouldn’t make up for the calories expended. I’ve found this is not a great approach to life and really sucks the enjoyment right out of it. My thinking was always - How can I hike this little two mile trail when there’s Everest? Why fish for bluegill when the world record trout’s swimming around just 4 hours away? I still don’t know if there’s an answer for me or you, I just know that I’m doing my best to find places closer to home. Since I’ve started looking, I’ve found a ton of them. It’s like my eyes were opened and I’ve often thought, “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?” When the real question is “why did I never ask?”.